Tuesday 22 April 2008

WORK IT BABY, WORK IT

my job...

i am a journalist working for a big tv network spread across a dozen floors. if you were to cut our building in half, it would resemble ants' nest from a distance although i reckon we move about even faster. from 9am till 7pm there seem to be a little thought around, just movement, rushing, clicking, typing, talking, lots of talking, especially bullshit, romancing, gossiping, meeting, even more senseless meetings...

actually i am not a journalist. i am now head of business operation. i was trained as a journalist but my journey from a fresh faced idealist somehow got diverted because of my love for fashion and money became more sexy than those risky trips across dusty roads to afganistan. where - i must add - i was tempted to go once as our head of international news, oscar troy (sorry I had to change his name in case he reads baby blogs), was looking for a reporter assistant. i was berely 2 months into the job making teas and coffee for every day of my uni days whilst i heard that oscar was in need. i was very single and oscar was very hot. i applied. i was turned down with a grin on his face but then i got a call. come to an afgan restaurant in merylebone at 8pm - said the crackly voicemail. for a split second i thought i heard he wanted to meet me in afganistan with his bone. so, 4 hours after my job interview oscar and i were on a trip of discovering and covering many hills, curves, caves...ok i better stop here.

anyway, this was 10 years ago. he is now a sad aging man so botoxed that you can see his hypothalamus. and i have a hunky mr forever and i am going to have his baby! ha! i will be, at last!!!! a yummy mummy, a lady who lunches, a lady who gets her manicure and pedicure done once a week, a lady who will be first to hit the sales at selfridges, who will go to the food hall at harrods for tea! who will go to the gym and do pilates and yoga! who will pick up dry cleaning and look so so YUMMY that people will take me for an eastern european nanny! i am going to have a 1 year of maternity freedom! freedom from the london tube, freedom from the weekly status meetings of the operations department, freedom from gisela and anna who hover around me non-stop and fight for who's going to get a promotion faster, freedom from 304958309485 emails a day. i will soon enter the bliss of a yummy mummy. Claudia, Jennifer, Angelina, Alba - just wait! Keep that cappuccino hot for me. Oh, better still, order me a glass of white (very chilled) and i'll see you at the soho house, you just wait girls! i am on my way.

but before this happens, i need to "tell my employer" that i am pregnant. but how. god. i am really dreading it. i feel like i've ben naughty and shouldn't have been and i shouldn't have had sex on the big O day, i should have kept my legs down and not swollow all that folic acid and got myself pregnant. i genuinely dread telling my boss: "good morning, i am pregnant". i had this stupid fantasy today at a conference call that i would tell katrina white (my boss, few words about her a bit later) that it was a HUGE shock to me, i have no idea how it happened, that i don't think maternity leaves are a good thing for the business and i am happy to have a baby on a friday afternoon if i could get a half day off and i will be back the following monday. and could she please keep my job and not look at me this way... as if i were already gone to her...

it's such a weird feeling. it's a mixture of guilt for your own growing up, of fear of being treated like a "has been" who decided to desert the corporate army for some insignificant private revolution, someone who is not going to keep the wheel of corporate fortune rolling, someone who won't fit... and - it's their own bloody fault...

Monday 14 April 2008

FIRST SCAN

ok. so is this pregnancy a pigment of my imagination or it is really happening? is it just a perversive fantastic excuse to stuff my face with anything "that my body is asking me to", or are these really just pregnancy cravings? does my prego belly really crave snickers? i had two for lunch yesterday and their taste brought me close to ecstasy. Not very nutritious, I know. But i downed it down with some flaxseed oil afterwards, which - very kindly - my body seemed to crave too...

anyway, tomorrow is our first scan. i am 6 weeks pregnant if i calculate very very precisely from that big "O" day, or maybe i am week 8 depending on how the doctor chooses to measure it...

tomorrow, it's all about heartbeat (i think)... a heartbeat of a tiny human being, a tiny teeeeneeey heart that will be broken one time, saved another. a tiny heart that might one day turn into a revolutionary romantic and, hopefully, never a grey cynic.

till tomorrow...
apprehensive, hopeful
xx

Tuesday 1 April 2008

CLAWS OUT & MR FOREVER'S EYES ARE SCRATCHED

*** the real pregnancy blog you want to read ***

i have a niggling feeling that i got one of my first mood swings today. i got annoyed at the dinner when Mr Inconsiderate made a remark about my new laptop. It's the second time he went on about it in front of friends despite his reassurance that he's got no problem at all in me having converted our spare room in the last 12 months into an art studio and, basically, being a budding "artist" and the mac is the way forward...

anyway, tonight, i heard "can you believe it, she's just got a mac..." - my muscled stiffened, my hair stood on ends but i kept calm..."$ 4000 can you believe it" - i said quietly, generously peacefully "darling, enough".....he winked back with a mischievous smile... "and - if you saw all of her equipment, you wouldn't believe it either". by that point, i had an imaginary voodoo doll with pins in his manhood and i was twisting a large pine cone up him backside. i was raging...

an hour later... tears at home. slamming of the doors (the handle fell of), calming me down, me getting lauder, saying sorry, me saying never, him saying he loves my new mac, me calling him a liar, a cheat and a criminal. what father would put his baby at risk over a new mac! (pregnant women are not supposed to get stressed).

the wave of anger was unbelievable. it all finished about 15 minutes ago. since then i am actually quite a happy soul.
so this is what you call "pregnancy mood swings". blimey, many thanks!

i actually love being pregnant so far. i love googling anything and everything and will always have fun browsing here and there so i now have a brand new subject i google for! it's like a new lease of google-life: "pregnancy boobs - will they stay after", "ibiza and pregnancy", "night clubs and 1st trimester", "a bit of champagne and baby's health" etc.

oh joy!